Do you ever keep yourself so busy that you have no free time to think?
Dear mom, a rush of words flies out of me so fast you would think I was a professional typist and then it hits me that I cannot send this. Backspace key, backspace key, backspace key. She won’t even read it if I send it because she is not up to date on technology.
OK, so let’s pull out a piece of paper and try it this way. Dear Mom, here comes the rush of words again flowing easily from my pen and the momentum picks up and I start to sweat. I realize that I also cannot send this, so I crumple it up and toss it in the trash. I think maybe it helped me that I wrote it all out and can be done with it now that the words left my body. A handwritten letter with words like this that can be picked up and read over and over again is worse.
Maybe I should burn it? Maybe this would be a good ritual for me to do write and burn, then write and burn again and again as things come up.
So many things to say and yet they cannot be said. It would cause harm to me and those around me, so I keep it inside where it only causes me harm. At least I can live with myself, even if at times I am in bed all day consumed with thoughts of the past. Yes, I am aware there have been times when I needed a doctor to prescribe something but that would have just numbed me. I like to feel something as it makes me realize at least I’m alive. I should have sought out someone to talk to but there wasn’t anyone I that I felt could share in my circle and who would I burden? I do not like to feel like a burden to anyone. I can carry my weight.
These thoughts that weigh me down are an anchor of sorts that I pick up every day as I get out of bed. I would love to put it down, but I can’t. Sometimes the weight of it is so light it doesn’t even have an impact on the day. Other days I become triggered by something that causes the cascade of memories and thoughts to ooze out causing the weight to be felt. Sometimes I pretend that it doesn’t exist and that gets me past the day. Most days I put so much on my to do list that I can’t think beyond what I’m doing and that’s a good thing.
People that know me see all the things I do and will say things like you are amazing, can’t believe all the things you can do your so talented. I just smile and thank them and say I’m really not as talented as you think and tell them how amazing they are. Under all those words what I want to say is that I’m just trying to survive, and this is the best way I know to do it. I don’t say those words either.
I am really good with the backspace key! Most of my life I type something out to post on social media and think nah and backspace it out. Don’t want to be a Debbie downer, don’t want to argue, defend myself, fight or anything negative. I have enough negativity in my head, and I hate drama. Like I said so many things to say and yet I just can’t say them.
I think many people are like me walking through life with a smile on their face and an achy heart. It’s not plastered like a fake smile because I do find joy in the things I do and the relationships I have. I’m sure you do too.
I am hoping one day that I don’t feel the weight of all these unwritten words. In the meantime, I will keep myself busy
Cathy