I spent the first thirteen years of my life in the beautiful San Francisco Bay area. Crossing the bay on the Golden Gate or one of the other bridges, driving in the mountains, riding along the west coast was part of my daily life. The whole area back when I was young was so clean and beautiful. I’ve heard from friends that its changed, but I can’t imagine the beauty of the area not being there. I feel privileged not just to live there but to attend the best private schools. That feeling of privilege also comes with pain in that good memories intertwine with bad ones
This morning I was reminded of writing a letter to one of my childhood bullies. She was my second teacher in the second grade because I had transferred schools in the middle of the year. We moved from one side of the bay to the other so my father would have an easier commute to work. I was told that my new teacher was having a hard year and that’s why she decided to take it out on me. All the trips to the school to talk about things that kept happening didn’t stop her. That teacher bullied me not just in private but in front of the class many times. I believe that is what started the other kids into singling me out as the kid to bully the rest of the time I attended that school.
The reason the letter was written was because it was homework after one of the chapters of the book The Artist Way. She wanted me to defend myself as a child and send it, rip it up, trash it or burn it. I decided to turn it into an art project and paint over it. The act of doing that was healing for me. It’s like the adult part of me is taking care of the wounded child that still lives in me. We all have bad memories and sometimes we get triggered by them.
Julia Cameron believes these are blocks to stop us from creating or living fully. I am really trying to be happy and live my best life. So instead of hanging my head to not make eye contact with anyone I raise my head and walk with it held high. I tell myself its ok if people don’t like me even when my gut instinct is the opposite, The wounded child is strong in sending signals to protect me. I don’t want to live secluded in some padded dark room protected from everything and everyone. I want to be in the sun, I want to meet people and make friends. I want to dance and jump in puddles if I feel like it. So, I ignore the signals that say this is not good don’t do that.
Do you have a wounded child living in you giving you signals to not paint or not live fully? One thing you could do about it is to work your way through the book The Artists Way. You can do it on your own, with a friend or with a group. Another way is to work with a therapist because that can also be liberating!
Working on being liberated myself one public post at a time.
Cathy