I have memories far back into my early childhood and one memory is the feeling of being torn daily between going to play or taking care of my mom. I was born a caretaker! A caretaker of everyone including strangers. It doesn’t feel right to my soul to let someone sit across the room and watch them be in pain or need something, even if they are a stranger. I have to fix that pain or need somehow. Strangers can even sense this about me as I have them walk up and tell me their life story including their pain within 5 minutes of the first hello. I also am in tune to the point that I just know things about people especially their emotional state.
My mother knew I had a need to be with other children my own age so she put me in a preschool program just so I could play. Daily before she dropped me off, I would ask her what she was going to do for the day. I still remember her telling me things like I am going to clean or iron some clothes and pillowcases. I know many people don’t have early childhood memories, but I do for whatever reason and yes, I grew up in a home with ironed pillowcases.
I would always ask my mother if she needed me to help or just to be with her. It would make me sick to think of her as lonely. I needed to know that she was going to be alright, and that she had an activity to do so I could run off and do mine. If I thought for a moment that she needed me emotionally or physically, I would tell her that she could call the school and tell them I wasn’t going to be there for the day. In my mind it wasn’t playing hooky because I was only there for fun and for me. I still wanted the school to know because I thought they were counting on me being there. I remember several times that she drove away and called the school after getting back home because on those days she did need me. My place on those days was being with her.
There is a natural order to things being in their place that helps me flow. If I can move those things I will and sometimes I just leave them because I am more comfortable with them as they are. It’s like knowing the rules and then figuring out how you can get around them. It gives a comfort to know something is not set in stone even if you don’t move it. This is a big part of my creativity.
When I am in full creativity mode time doesn’t exist. I have no awareness of it and I am in full me time. I can start a painting and think I need to get a cup of coffee before I really get into it. I go to walk to my coffee pot and notice that my feet hurt. I will wonder why they hurt so bad and think perhaps I am getting old. As I am pouring coffee, I look at the clock and notice that 6 hours have gone by even though it feels like it has only been 15 minutes. This loss of time is always surprising to me. So, for me to play where I know I am going to get lost I have to make sure everything and everyone is alright around me first. My son Paul even gets lost in it with me as we listen to music and sing while I am being creative. Sometimes making sure everything is alright includes a full house cleaning session, so I really know I am not needed by my family. It’s the mindset of work first and play second. If your one of those people who need to make sure everything is alright first, you should make that a part of your daily routine so you too can have “me time”
If you ever hear me ask what you’re going to do for the day, know that it’s a part of my psyche putting order into the day and not wanting you to be lonely or have need of me. It’s like the nurse in me doing triage to see where I am needed and if its ok to go to lunch yet.
Is it ok to go to lunch yet?
Cathy